50 Best National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Quotes

Last Updated on September 6, 2024

Clark Griswold is the lovable dad from National Lampoon’s Vacation franchise, and in his unforgettable role he has provided us with some of the most epic quotes ever.

His wit, wisdom and humor have been providing laughs for generations, making him one of cinema’s most beloved characters.

If you’re looking for inspiration or just a good laugh, there’s no better source than Clark Griswold himself!

Here we take a look at some of the best quotes to come out of this iconic character – ones that will leave you laughing out loud and feeling closer to your own family.

Enjoy!

Best National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Quotes

1. “We’re gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.”
2. “Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas.”
3. “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?”
4. “Worse? How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen. We’re at the threshold of hell.”
5. “We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.”
6. “Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Kiss my ass! Kiss his ass! Kiss your ass! Happy Hanukkah!”
7. “Can I show you something? That’s a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.”
8. “This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy.”
9. “I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.”
10. “Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.”
11. “We checked every bulb, didn’t we? We’re gonna check them again.”
12. “We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.”
13. “Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together.”
14. “The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.”
15. “Hey, Griswold, where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big?”
16. “We’re gonna have so much fun together. We’re gonna laugh, we’re gonna play, we’re gonna dance, we’re gonna do things that we’ve never done before.”
17. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!
18. “I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin… Er, a tree. Full-sized.”
19. “This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!”
20. “I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.”
21. “I dedicate this house to the Griswold family Christmas.”
22. “Eat my road grit, liver lips!”
23. “This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.”
24. “We’re not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it, are we?”
25. “The little lights aren’t twinkling, Clark.”
26. “I’m just trying to make it more festive.”
27. “I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.”
28. “I can’t even afford to be an elf.”
29. “Can’t see the line, can you Russ?”
30. “We’re gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.”
31. “It’s a funny squeaky sound.”
32. I can’t believe you’re standing here in my living room, Eddie.
33. “That thing had nine lives, she just spent them all.”
34. “We’re gonna have a good old-fashioned family Christmas, and we’re gonna have it right here.”
35. “I don’t want to spend the holidays dead.”
36. “We’re gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.”
37. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.”
38. “Looks great. Little full. Lotta sap.”
39. “I don’t know what to say except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.”
40. “It’s all part of the experience, honey.”
41. “This tree won’t fit in our yard, it’s not going in our yard, Russ.”
42. We’re gonna have so much fun together, we’re gonna need plastic surgery to remove our smiles.
43. “If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll make one instead.”
44. “I’m gonna catch it in the coat… and smack it with a hammer!”
45. “I don’t want to get caught in a situation where I have to use the rubber hose.”
46. “Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?”
47. “What’s the matter with the way I talk? What’s the matter with the way I live? What’s the matter with the way I smell?”
48. “My dad always said, ‘Never put regular gas in a diesel engine.'”
49. “I’m just happy to be here. I’m just happy to be alive.”
50. “I think you’re forgetting how the Griswold family Christmas works. We all stick together for the one wonderful, magical night.”

Wrapping Up

Clark Griswold is a true holiday icon. His epic quotes, misadventures and charm have been entertaining audiences for years. From his pursuit of the ‘perfect place in the sun’ to Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure’, Clark has provided us with some of the most memorable vacation moments we can watch over and over again.

Whether you’re sharing Christmas dinner with family or taking a European adventure, let Clark be your guide into a world of joy and laughter. So if you ever need an escape from reality, just pop in one of these classic films and get ready to experience all of the fun that comes along with being on vacation…with Clark Griswold!