70 Funniest Chuck Norris Jokes Ever Heard

Last Updated on September 2, 2024

In the wise words of former U.S President Calvin Coolidge, “Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. The slogan ‘Press On’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

President Coolidge was a firm believer that the key to success and overcoming challenges that life throws at you is overwhelming persistence. As is often said, consistency is key! Calvin opined that all the talent in the world is useless if it isn’t coupled with persistence. Come to think of it, this school of thought is logical. Even if you’re incredibly talented, life could always throw you curveballs. Success will remain a distant dream if you aren’t willing to reassess your strategy and press onwards.

Today’s article highlights one of the most persistent individuals in human history: Chuck Norris! He is an individual who persisted until he dominated the martial arts industry and still pressed on to transition to the film industry, where he shone. He is a multi-faceted individual who believes that no challenge is too high to scale as long as you’re hardworking and persistent.

Norris is known for his charisma, charm, and dedication. Due to this, people started making jokes that depicted an exaggeration of his ability. Norris became an internet sensation with thousands of jokes to his name as time passed. These jokes are the epitome of quirky humor and are downright hilarious.

Without further dallying, here are seventy of the funniest Chuck Norris Jokes you’d ever hear!

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the sh*t out of it.
2. When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
3. When Chuck Norris slices onions, the onions cry.
4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity — twice.
5. When the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
7. Time waits for no man; unless that man is Chuck Norris.
8. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
9. Chuck Norris doesn’t write books. The words assemble themselves out of fear.
10. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
11. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
12. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
13. Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
14. When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?” He received an A-plus for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
15. When God said, “Let there be LIGHT!” Chuck Norris said, “Say, please.”
16. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
17. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
18. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
19. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
20. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself; he’s pushing the Earth down.
21. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
22. Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
23. When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
24. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.
25. Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.
26. Chuck Norris once ate a Rubik’s Cube and pooped it out solved.
27. The flu has to get Chuck Norris shots every year.
28. The Dead Sea was alive before Chuck Norris swam there.
29. Chuck Norris doesn’t fill out online forms because he doesn’t submit to anyone.
30. Chuck Norris starred in Star Wars. He was the force.
31. Chuck Norris likes his meat so rare he only eats unicorns.
32. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
33. Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
34. If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension where there was another Chuck Norris, and they both fought, they would both win.
35. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
36. Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
37. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
38. Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
39. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
40. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Chuck Norris says it’s beef, it’s beef.
41. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave because revenge is a dish best served cold.
42. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
43. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
44. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost the fight.
45. Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.
46. Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
47. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
48. MC Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
49. Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
50. The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
51. A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
52. Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest with a fish.
53. Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman’s life.
54. The Great Wall of China was created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
55. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
56. Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
57. Bigfoot claims he once saw Chuck Norris.
58. Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.
59. Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
60. Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
61. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
62. Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person who could fly.
63. Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
64. Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
65. Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following too close behind him. It now stands back a safe 30 feet.
66. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
67. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.
68. Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
69. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
70. Chuck Norris was exposed to Covid-19. Covid-19 had to go into quarantine for a month.

Ultimately, these jokes show us that there’s always an upside to any situation we are faced with. Norris has faced his fair share of unpleasant situations in life. However, he possesses outstanding persistence towards achieving his goals. He takes on challenges with confidence and a smile. This, in its entirety, is worthy of praise.

To this end, I leave you with the sublime words of none other than our man of the hour. “I’ve always found that anything worth achieving will always have obstacles in the way and you’ve got to have that drive and determination to overcome those obstacles on route to whatever it is that you want to accomplish.”