Last Updated on September 2, 2024
A colonoscopy, also known as coloscopy, is a medical examination intended to check the condition of the colon (large intestines.) It’s what we normal folk would comfortably call an ANALysis. Colonoscopies typically check for significant changes in the colon. These include but not limited to tissue irritation, inflammation, polyp growth, and tumors. To perform a colonoscopy, a doctor inserts a special thin, tube-like instrument called a colonoscope into your rectum. Most colonoscopes have a light and lens through which the doctor can check for rectal abnormalities. Some of these devices may also come fitted with a tool for removing tissues for further examination under a microscope. Colonoscopies are usually not a pain in the ass because they involve the pre-administration of anesthetics. However, the mere fact of undergoing these procedures can trigger some anxiety. Therefore, you may need an extra dose of motivation in the form of colonoscopy jokes. We’ve put together a definitive list of the funniest jokes and puns to make your upcoming colonoscopic procedure less frightening.65 Colonoscopy Jokes
1. A gastroenterologist walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’d offer you a booth, but I assume you want a stool.”
2. A man gets released from his first colonoscopy into the recovery room. His wife and doctor arrive bedside to discuss the results of his operation. Before the doctor can open his mouth, the wife says, “Did you find his head?”
3. A man goes in for a colonoscopy. The doctor starts looking around and says “Wow, I can’t see shit. I guess you can go.”
4. A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient’s notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it’s actually his thermometer that’s there. He says, “Darn, some a**hole has my pen.”
5. After I had my colonoscopy, the proctologist asked if I had any questions. Apparently, “Do you do birthday parties?” was the wrong answer.
6. After my colonoscopy, I asked my doctor and nurses if I could list them as references on my resume. After all, they’re the only ones who truly know me inside and out.
7. As a trainee proctologist, I had to work my way up from the bottom.
8. Colonoscopies are important. They really help doctors get to the bottom of your health issues.
9. Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic? He does 18 holes a day.
10. Did you hear about the psychiatrist and proctologist who opened a practice together? They called it “Odds and Ends.”
11. Everything went as planned during my colonoscopy, but at the same time, it was a real sh*t show.
12. Got my colonoscopy test back from the doctor. Apparently, I’ve got negative shit in my life.
13. How do medical institutions attract people to the field of colonoscopy? “You like photography? I have a job you gotta love, kid.”
14. How do you know gastroenteritis has hit the Olympics? All the sprinters have the runs.
15. How do you know your boss is qualified as both a proctologist and a podiatrist? Because he’s always got his foot up someone’s ass.
16. How do you properly toast someone drinking their colonoscopy prep? “Bottoms up!”
17. I got one of those at-home colonoscopy tests. The results were really hard to swallow.
18. I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not, getting the camera up there doesn’t hurt as much as you might think. It’s the crew that’s the killer.
19. I had a colonoscopy yesterday, and I think the doctor must have gotten carried away. I said to him, “Can you back that up a little? It’s irritating my tonsils.”
20. I had to go to the hospital for a gastroscopy today. There were three other guys in the waiting room.
The doctor came through and explained what was happening to the four of us. He said that I was having the gastroscopy, which is the camera down the throat, and the other three were there for a colonoscopy, which is the camera up the butt.
He then asked if any of us had any questions. I said, “Yes… can I go first?”
21. I have inner beauty. And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
22. I just got a bill from my doctor for the bowel prep before my colonoscopy. Man, that sh*t was expensive!
23. I just got my colonoscopy results: The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
24. I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy. I guess I’m not as full of crap as I thought.
25. I was driving behind a car yesterday that had a sticker in the back window that said, “I am a Vet-so I drive like an animal.” That’s when I realized why there are so many gynecologists and proctologists on the road.
26. I went in for my colonoscopy, and asked my doctor how his day was going. He said “I’ve been dealing with assholes all day.”
27. I’m not saying my proctologist has the fattest index finger I’ve ever seen. But it’s definitely up there.
28. I’m tired of being the butt of all these colonoscopy jokes.
29. I’ve been in the doctor’s office for an hour, waiting to be called back for my colonoscopy. I guess they are really backed up today.
30. I’ve just seen the video of my colonoscopy. The picture was crap.
31. Is it cheaper to have a colonoscopy done by a doctor in his clinic or an alien in a UFO?
No matter who does it it’s still a shitty procedure.
32. My colonoscopy wasn’t the best experience of my life, but it was up there.
33. My doctor says I have to go for a colonoscopy next week. It’s a real bummer.
34. My first colonoscopy wasn’t that bad. Once the sedatives wore off, I was surprised how little pain I was in.
I just couldn’t figure out how the doctor did it with both hands on my shoulders.
35. My friend asked me about what happens during a colonoscopy.
I started to tell her, but explaining the process was a pain in the ass.
36. My mother was supposed to have a colonoscopy today, but she told me it was canceled because of COVID.
I told her not to worry; she’ll still get it in the end.
37. My uncle has a colonoscopy scheduled for this afternoon. Butt don’t worry; he should be fine.
38. That new vet really screwed up my pig’s colonoscopy. He’s pretty ham-fisted.
39. The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy. Turns out it was a clock.
40. Three guys are talking in a bar one day. They start talking about how their cars reflect their careers.
The first guy says, “I’m a museum docent, and so I drive a cheap Escort.”
The second guy says, “I’m a herpetologist, and so I drive a Dodge Viper.”
The third guy says, “I’m a proctologist, and I drive a brown Probe.”
41. What did the dog say to the man after his colonoscopy?
Rough.
42. What do you call a bad gastroenterologist?
Shit for brains.
43. What do you call a colonoscopy on a donkey?
An assassin.
44. What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?
Pokemon!
45. What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O’Scopy.
46. What do you do when you don’t have enough money to see a doctor for colonoscopy?
You go to the airport and threaten to blow it up.
47. What do you think a colonoscopy costs?
A buttload.
48. What does a doctor call a colonoscopy?
An ANALysis.
49. What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?
A Cameron Diaz.
50. What happens when someone gives a really deep speech to convince you to go for a colonoscopy?
Something touches you deep inside.
51. What is the difference between colonoscopy and endoscopy?
The taste.
52. What is the gastroenterologist’s favorite component of the computer?
Keyboard, because it has the colon.
53. What kind of camera do doctors use for colonoscopies?
GoProbes.
54. What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
55. What’s the difference between a waiter and a proctologist?
A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time.
56. What’s the worst thing if your best friend is a proctologist?
With friends like him, who needs enemas!
57. When was the patient alarmed during colonoscopy?
When it felt both of the doctor’s hands on his sides.
58. Why couldn’t my friend pursue his dream of becoming a gastroenterologist?
When it came time to apply for med school, he didn’t have the guts.
59. Why did Erica keep putting off scheduling her colonoscopy?
She knew that she was going to get it in the end.
60. Why did the gastroenterologist choose this specialty?
There was an opening.
61. Why did the man schedule for colonoscopy on the second date?
Because on the first date, the woman told him that she is interested in inner beauty.
62. Why is a colonoscopy camera not state of the art?
Because these pictures look like crap.
63. Why is the proctologist constantly purchasing new TV remotes?
Digging through the couch just feels like work.
64. Why should you read poop jokes before having a colonoscopy?
They are not the favorite kind of jokes, but they are a solid number two.
65. Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing! Or as my doctor insists on calling it… a colonoscopy.
Conclusion
The above-listed jokes aren’t only useful when you have a colonoscopy coming up. You can also share them at random social gatherings to help your family and friends laugh their heads off.