Piracy is a thriving black market business. Whether it involves robberies at high seas or unauthorized reproduction of copyrighted material, billions of dollars are lost annually to overzealous pirates.
The last couple of years have seen many countries enhance armed patrol along their maritime borders while also strengthening their copyright laws. There have also been numerous publications, television documentaries, and movies that portray piracy as a perilous business which often leads to dire consequences. But despite these concerted efforts, pirates continue to fly well under the radar. That’s probably due to their connections with powerful politicians and drug lords.
Piracy is definitely not a career any self-respecting individual would want to pursue. Most people wouldn’t wish to keep pirates as friends either. However, that doesn’t stop us from sharing the many funny pirate jokes out there.
Telling an appropriate pirate joke can help liven up a tense or boring situation. Not only are these jokes insanely hilarious. They may go a long way in raising awareness of this illegal business.
We’ve trawled the internet and collected the 70 best pirate jokes to tickle your funny bone. Most of the jokes are G-rated, making them suitable for sharing with your adult buddies and kids alike.
70 Funny Pirate Jokes
1. A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one passenger asks, “Who is that man over there?” “I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”
2. A pirate comes into his favorite bar after a long time away at sea, and asks for some rum. The bartender says sure, but asks “Why do you have a peg leg?” “Ah, that, a cannon ball took it off and our doc’ wasn’t able to save it” The bartender then asks “Why do you have a hook for a hand?” “We were slaughtering the sailors of the ship we were salvaging, and one got a lucky slice in”. The bartender then asks “And why the eye patch?” The pirate says “The captain’s damn parrot shit in it” The bartender asks “How can bird shit take your eye, did it get infected?” “Nay” says the pirate “T’was the first day with the hook.”
3. A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices that the pirate has a ship wheel coming out of his pants. Out of curiosity, the bartender asks the pirate “you are aware that there is a wheel coming out of your pants right?!?” To which the pirate replies “ayyyy it be drivin’ me nuts”
4. A red and a blue pirate ship just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.
5. A slice of apple pie is $2 in Jamaica and $3 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
6. Did you hear about the famous pirate that stole from the rich and gave to the poor? His name was Robin Hook.
7. Did you hear about the pirate drug addict? He was completely hooked.
8. How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply? He bought it on sail.
9. How do pirates like to cook their steaks? On a BAAAARRRRRBECUE!
10. How do pirates make their money? A. By hook or by crook!
11. How do pirates prefer to communicate? Aye to aye!
12. How do ye turn a pirate furious? Take away the “p.”
13. How does a pirate get to the top of the building? By elevataaaaarrrrrr!!!!!
14. How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook? A. An arm and a leg.
15. How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
16. I was halfway through writing a movie script about a pirate that kept on losing his wooden leg. It turns out there is already a film called “footloose”.
17. To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate.
18. What did one pirate say to the other? I sea you!
19. What did the elderly pirate captain say when asked if he was 80? Aye, Matey.
20. What did the first mate see down the toilet? The Captains log!
21. What did the ocean say to the pirate? Nothing, it just waved.
22. What did the pirate say when he did his baby’s gender reveal to his first mate? A boy matey!
23. What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer? Shiver me timbers!
24. What did the pirate wear on Halloween? A pumpkin patch.
25. What dish do pirates order when they go to the seafood restaurant? Pieces of skate.
26. What do pirates do on Black Friday? Shop the sails!
27. What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs? A rookie
28. What do you call a pirate that uses a pumpkin as a belt? A squash buckler
29. What do you call a pirate who skips class? Captain Hooky!
30. What do you call a pirate’s hairstyle? A crew cut!
31. What do you call a pirates sword that is completely blunt? A cut-less
32. What does a vegan pirate do in jail? Starrrrrve!
33. What does the captain keep up his sleevie? His armie.
34. What happened to the pirate when his wooden leg caught fire? He got burned to the ground.
35. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea? He got marooned.
36. What has 8 legs, 8 arms and 8 eyes? 8 pirates.
37. What is a pirate’s favorite letter? P, because it would be an R, but it’s missing a leg.
38. What is a pirate’s favorite movie? Booty and the Beast. (But it is arr-rated.)
39. What kind of grades does a pirate get in school? High seas!
40. What was the name of the most frugal pirate? Barry D. Treasure!
41. What’s a pirate’s favorite kind of fish? A swordfish!
42. What’s a pirate’s worst enemy? Termites.
43. What’s a pirates favorite type of music? Rum & Bass!
44. What’s the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate? One has a rumbling tummy, and the other’s a tumbling rummy.
45. What’s the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer? A pirate buries his treasure, but a cranberry farmer treasures his berries.
46. Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs? Right where ye left him.
47. Where do pirates go for a drink? The sand bar!
48. Where do pirates put their weapons? In their enemies.
49. Where’s a pirate’s favorite place to eat breakfast? IHOP!
50. Which restaurant did the buccaneer go out to for dinner? Long John Silver’s!
51. Which Star Wars character do pirates like the most? Aarrrrggh-2-D2!
52. Why are pirates never cremated when they die? They always bury their booty.
53. Why couldn’t the 12 year old see a pirate movie? It was rated Arrrr.
54. Why couldn’t the pirate crew play cards? A. Because the captain was standing on the deck!
55. Why did Bluebeard offend so many ladies? He kept getting slapped each time he said yo-ho
56. Why did the man pirate divorce his woman pirate wife? They were arrrguing too much.
57. Why did the pirate confuse all of his Tinder dates? They couldn’t figure out if he was blinking or winking.
58. Why did the pirate cross the road? To get to the second-hand shop!
59. Why did the pirate get a gym membership? So he could improve his booty and his chest.
60. Why did the pirate give up playing golf? Because he kept hooking the ball!
61. Why did the pirate go to the Apple store? To buy an iPatch.
62. Why did the pirate have to walk the plank? Because he couldn’t afford a dog.
63. Why did the pirate put a moldy old piece of fruit on his shoulder? So he could talk to his pear-rot.
64. Why do pirates carry swords? Because swords can’t walk.
65. Why do pirates enjoy going to the optometrist? They always get to do an aye exam.
66. Why do you never ever see pirates crying? They like their private-tears.
67. Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C.
68. Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.
69. Why is pirating so addictive? They say once ye lose your first hand, you get hooked!
70. Why was it so hard to call the pirate on the phone? Because he left it off the hook.
Every responsible citizen must speak out against the scourge of piracy. You can play your role in raising awareness of the trade by sharing the above-listed piracy jokes. What’s more – these jokes can serve as a perfect icebreaker on your next date or social gathering.