40 Hilarious Lawyer Jokes That’ll Have You Rolling

Last Updated on September 2, 2024

I know people like Mike Ross from Suits have you thinking that becoming a lawyer is a piece of cake. However, it’s not. Lawyers are vital elements in any adjudicatory system and while it can be rewarding, being a lawyer is arduous and demanding. They represent, advocate and mediate for their clients, be it in courts or other alternative dispute resolution forums; I mean, imagine having people’s fates to be dependent on how well or not you do your job. That’s a lot!

Due to how tasking their job is, it is imperative that Lawyers get a break from all that seriousness and legal tussle that goes on during litigation. Thankfully, lawyers themselves make excellent targets when it comes to humor. Below are 40 hilarious jokes that’ll leave you with watery eyes (from laughter, of course!). Without further ado, let’s get into them.

1. A woman sued a hotel for losing her luggage. Unfortunately, she lost the case.
2. Don’t judge a law book by its cover-up.
3. Clowns are most commonly jailed for manslaughter.
4. After a complicated trial, a lawyer went to his local restaurant to wind down. “What would you like with your orange juice?” the waiter asked. “Just ice,” he replied.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.
6. Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo, and snakes were slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages. Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!” “A lawyer? Why?” “We need someone who speaks their language.”
7. The lawyer’s client had to face a death sentence because of his bad execution.
8. When chickens graduate from law school, they become legal tenders.
9. My wife’s parents ran away from the cops after having a hefty argument. They’re now my out-laws.
10. My friend, a lawyer, stole my tuxedo after my wedding. I’m filing a lawsuit against him tomorrow morning.
11. A priest who graduates from law school is called a father-in-law.
12. The lawyer won the luggage lawsuit in less than 6 hours. It turned out to be a briefcase.
13. What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.
14. Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one, “let’s be honest with each other.” “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
15. How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture? Just say, “Fees!”
16. A lawyer was so large that, when he died, the undertaker couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body. So, the undertaker gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
17. A millionaire informs his attorney, “I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death.” “Why such an odd stipulation?” asked the attorney. “Because I want someone to be sorry I died!” came the reply.
18. “You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?” “Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”
19. If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take to keep a lawyer away?
20. A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” “You are the lawyer,” says the policeman. “Exactly, so where’s my present?” replies the lawyer.
21. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue!
22. Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.
23. How can you tell if a lawyer is lying? Other lawyers look interested.
24. Why did the lawyer’s chicken cross the road? He had an easement.
25. Why is it so common for attorneys to be lost in thought? Unfamiliar territory.
26. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One to climb, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
27. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
28. Know how copper wire was invented? Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
29. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Not enough sand.
30. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
31. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
32. A photograph hurriedly rushed into his attorney’s office and screamed, “I think someone is framing me!”.
33. My father was a lawyer for 25 years before he went to culinary school. Now, he’s a sue chef.
34. The golden retriever didn’t make any money at his first law firm. He only worked on pro-bone-o cases.
35. Alligators make good lawyers because they are efficient a-litigators.
36. A lawyer changed her last name to Demeanour, so now everyone in the law office calls her Miss Demeanour.
37. A barrister was embroiled in a complex money laundering case. In the end, he forfeited his claims because he didn’t have the testi-money ready.
38. The police knocked over a man’s lamp while searching his apartment for clues related to a robbery. “That wasn’t warranted!” he exclaimed.
39. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. “You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?” The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?” The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”
40. The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.”
41. A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

These jokes are suitable for teasing that lawyer family member or friend who always has a hard time taking a break. On second thought, they don’t even have to be lawyers. If your legal knowledge begins and ends with Law and Order, these jokes can still crack your ribs or, at least, put a big smile on your face.