Last Updated on August 9, 2024
The Office is an American mockumentary sitcom television series which aired on the NBC channel from March 24, 2005, to May 16, 2013. The series depicts the daily endeavors of office employees in the Scranton, Pennsylvania branch of a fictional company known as Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. It received numerous awards during its nine seasons, including one Golden Globe Award, two Screen Actors Guild Awards, and four Primetime Emmy Awards.
While it’s been more than seven years since The Office aired its last episode, the series treated us to numerous hilarious quotes that are simply unforgettable. Here are some of the funniest quotes and one-liners from The Office that will make you want to watch the series all over again.
50 Funny ‘The Office’ Quotes
1. And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do ~ Michael Scott (Season 5, Stress Relief: Part 1)
2. As it turns out, you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it ~ Michael Scott (Season 5, Moroccan Christmas)
3. Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips out your heart for no good reason. And you are nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then, suddenly, she’s not your ho no mo ~ Michael Scott (Season 3, A Benihana Christmas)
4. Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised ~ Michael Scott (Season 4, Fun Run)
5. Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me ~ Michael Scott (Season 4, Fun Run)
6. I am fast. To give you a reference point. I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther ~ Dwight Schrute (Season 3, The Merger)
7. I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good ~ Michael Scott (Season 4, Money)
8. I don’t care what they say about me, I just wanna eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party ~ Pam Beesly (Season 4, Dinner Party)
9. I fell in love with these kids. And I didn’t want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made ’em a promise. I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life but, hands down that was the most generous ~ Michael Scott (Season 6, Scott’s Tots)
10. I just wanna lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted ~ Kevin Malone (Season 3, Beach Games)
11. I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate…no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it…Nike ~ Michael Scott (Season 1, Hot Girl)
12. I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out ~ Kelly Kapoor (Season 7, Counseling)
13. I used to be obese. Once you’ve conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion. I’m not saying I’m Superman, but let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I’m pretty sure everything would be fine. I’d almost welcome it ~ Deangelo Vickers (Season 7, Goodbye Michael)
14. I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days, before you’ve actually left them ~ Andy Bernard (Season 9, Finale)
15. I work hard all day. I like knowing that there’s going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break ~ Kevin Malone (Season 4, Survivor Man)
16. I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl, so I’m wise and have worms ~ Michael Scott (Season 2, Office Olympics)
17. I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30 ~ Michael Scott (Season 6, Scott’s Tots)
18. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious ~ Michael Scott (Season 4, Fun Run)
19. I’m not usually the butt of the joke. I’m usually the face of the joke ~ Michael Scott (Season 6, Koi Pond)
20. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year ~ Dwight Schrute (Season 3, Product Recall)
21. If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice ~ Michael Scott (Season 6, The Chump)
22. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people ~ Dwight Schrute (Season 2, Office Olympics)
23. In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me, and I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead ~ Dwight Schrute (Season 1, Health Care)
24. It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don’t expect everybody to understand ~ Michael Scott (Season 2, The Carpet)
25. It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong. And if you don’t like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife and I’ll say it to my next one, too ~ Stanley Hudson (Season 4, Did I Stutter)
26. Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy ~ Dwight Schrute (Season 6, Koi Pond)
27. My heart belongs to music. But my ass, belongs to these people ~ Andy Bernard (Season 8, The Incentive)
28. My last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full Taco Bell and, I don’t know, I couldn’t keep up ~ Erin Hannon (Season 6, Secretary’s Day)
29. My, philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever ~ Michael Scott (Season 5, The Duel)
30. No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs … Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there? ~ Michael Scott (Season 5, Stress Relief)
31. Nobody should have to go to work thinking, ‘Oh this is the place that I might die today.’ That’s what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest. To the max. To…an office is a place where dreams come true ~ Michael Scott (Season 5, Stress Relief: Part 1)
32. One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then ~ Jim Halpert (Season 4, Fun Run)
33. People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck ~ Dwight Schrute (Season 9, The Farm)
34. Should have burned this place down when I had the chance ~ Michael Scott (Season 7, Amber Rains)
35. Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way ~ Michael Scott (Season 5, The Duel)
36. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship ~ Andy Bernard (Season 3, The Return)
37. The doctor said, if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die. I’m going to die ~ Stanley Hudson (Season 5, Stress Relief)
38. The eyes are the groin of the face ~ Dwight Schrute (Season 4, Branch Wars)
39. The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout ‘shotgun’ when you’re within sight of the car gets the front seat. That’s how the game’s played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion ~ Michael Scott (Season 2, The Injury)
40. The worst thing about prison was the dementors ~ Michael Scott (Season 3, The Convict)
41. There are always a million reasons not to do something ~ Jan Levinson (Season 2, Boys and Girls)
42. There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point? ~ Pam Beesly (Season 9, Finale)
43. There’s something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional ~ Robert California (Season 8, The Incentive)
44. They always say that it’s a mistake to hire your friends. And they are right. So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get!? ~ Michael Scott (Season 5, The Michael Scott Paper Company)
45. Today, smoking is going to save lives ~ Dwight Schrute (Season 5, Stress Relief)
46. Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me unless I threaten to kill myself ~ Kelly Kapoor (Season 7, Classy Christmas)
47. Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing ~ Dwight Schrute (Season 3, Business School)
48. Whether you’re scared of dying, or dying alone, or dying drunk in a ditch, don’t be. It’s going to be OK ~ Michael Scott (Season 7, Goodbye Michael)
49. Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me ~ Michael Scott (Season 2, The Fight)
50. You need to access your uncrazy side, otherwise maybe this thing has run its course ~ Darryl Philbin (Season 4, Money)
Wrap Up
These hilarious quotes will rekindle your memory of The Office and make you want to watch the sitcom one more time.
If you feel there’s a quote we omitted, let us know in the comments section below.
