Since the dawn of time, humor has always been the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Whether you’re having a dreadful day, going through a rough patch, or upset about a particular thing, one thing remains constant: a good laugh always makes you feel better.
In the exquisite words of Arnold Glasgow, “Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.” Glasgow was a firm believer that the troubles and sorrows we go through wash away in the presence of laughter. It has an aura of its own, and it spreads like wildfire. As is often said, “laughter is contagious.”
Some philosophers do not agree with Arnold’s point of view. They opine that regardless of the source of laughter, it doesn’t solve your problems. They say that while there are therapeutic benefits of laughter, whatever caused your initial sorrow remains. Hence, laughter is only postponing the inevitable.
Do I agree with this? Absolutely not! Here’s the thing. Many people have the wrong impression of laughter. Often, we view laughter as an escape from the bitter parts of life. It’s this magical world or feeling where only happiness reigns.
However, this is only half of it. The entire point of laughter isn’t to whisk you to a whimsical world filled with joy. The point of laughter is making connections! The smiles you spread, the joy you pass across, and the jokes you crack all help you establish a connection with others. Laughter isn’t only a coping mechanism; it is a means to help and connect with people.
Think of it this way. Often, we are told that we need to take steps backward to gain the momentum to push past a problem and move forward. In that same manner, when going through the motions in life, why not take a step back, and bask in the glory of humor before reassessing the problem at hand?
As much as I’d love to continue discussing the various nuances of laughter and humor in general, that is a topic for another day. Today, we shall discuss some of the funniest jokes with delightful and surprising twists at the end. Yes, anti-jokes. Without further ado, here are eighty of the funniest anti-jokes you’d ever see.
- What do you call a joke that isn’t funny?
- What did one stranger say to the other?
Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
- How do you confuse someone?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at them.
- What did one Frenchman tell the other Frenchman?
I don’t know; I don’t speak French.
- Why did the swan hiss?
Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
- What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A horrible boating accident.
- Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup?
“Because she was wearing too much makeup.”
- I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
- What do you call a pigeon that can’t find its way back home?
- What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
- Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream?
He was lactose intolerant.
- How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish?
Neither one can whistle.
- I accused my husband of being too immature.
Then he told me to get out of his fort.
- How do you get someone to stop swinging on the tire swing?
Snip the rope.
- What did the man say when he lost his truck?
“Where’s my truck?”
- Why did Jordan stay home from the party?
He wasn’t invited.
- What did one woman say to the other woman next to the coffee machine?
“Coffee looks good.”
- Do you know why everyone is afraid to come to my house?
- Why did the girl drop her ice cream cone?
She tripped over a pothole.
- What makes you laugh harder than your child?
A whoopie cushion.
- You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
- Why did Katie break open her piggy bank?
She ran out of money.
- What’s the one thing in life you can always count on?
- What did one ant say to the other ant?
Nothing. Ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
- Do you know why I look like I can’t hear you?
Because I can’t, my headphones are on.
- What did the monkey and pancake batter have in common?
They both love bananas.
- I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof.
- Who shaves at least 20 times a day?
- What’s one thing you can do over and over again and not remember a single thing?
- Someone stole my mood ring.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
- Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee.
I’m telling you this now because there weren’t any social media in the ’80s.
- A patient told the surgeon he couldn’t feel his legs.
The surgeon replied, “I know. I amputated your arms.”
- If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it,
Then my illegal logging company is a success.
- What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
- Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other, “Dang, it’s hot in here.”
The other replies, “Yeah, probably like 350 degrees.”
- How is a bar of soap the same as your dreams?
They’re both amazing at slipping away.
- Do you want to know what always makes me smile?
- You know what they say?
- What did the raccoon say to the other raccoon?
“Does my breath smell like garbage?”
- I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I’m OK.
- Why do flamingos stand on one leg?
If they lifted the other one, they’d fall over.
- Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
- A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?”
The horse says, “Evolution.”
- What’s blue and smells like red paint?
- Do you want to know my secret to sanity?
- What did he give her on Valentine’s Day?
Something red and lots of lies.
- Why did the kid in the movie theater get yelled at?
He was talking.
- Knock, knock.
- I talk to myself because sometimes I need advice.
- What did the fried rice say to the shrimp?
Nothing. Rice can’t talk.
- How tall is the Empire State Building?
One Empire State Building tall.
- Why do you never see elephants hiding behind trees?
They’re so good at it.
- Did you fall from heaven?
“Because it looks like you landed on your face.”
- You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate, and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
- Do you know what’s odd?
Every other number.
- Scientific fact:
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
- Why can’t Tommy the T. rex clap?
“Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.”
- Guess what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.
- Every 60 seconds,
A minute passes.
- Why did the mailman die?
“Because everybody dies.”
- What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say?
“T. rexxie, babe, I’m coming in for a hug.”
- What did one Japanese man say to the other Japanese man?
I do not know; I don’t speak Japanese.
- A guy walks into a bar.
Then he gets a drink and leaves.
- What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands?
Probably still Santa Claus. However, he doesn’t exist, so it doesn’t matter.
- How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
- Never trust an atom.
They make up everything.
- What’s so great about living in Switzerland?
Nothing, except that the flag is a plus.
- Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? Do you know why that is?
“Because there are more geese in that line.”
- Why did the therapist wipe away the T. rex’s tears?
He couldn’t reach his face.
- Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
- What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a musician?
- Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
And a pretty good spring and summer too.
- What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
- What do you call a fish with no eyes?
It doesn’t even matter.
- What do a banana and a helicopter have in common?
Neither of them is a police officer.
- What’s the difference between a rabbit and a grape?
They’re both purple, except the rabbit isn’t.
- When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.
But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light.
- Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
- A horse walks into a bar.
Several people get up and leave as they recognize the potential danger in the situation.
Ultimately, everyone will have different perspectives on the subject of laughter. You can decide to view problems and situations in a negative light, or take a step back, reassess the situation, dwell in the resplendence of laughter, and move forward.
The choice is yours. To this end, I leave you with the wise words of “the father of motivation,” Dr. Wayne Dyer. “It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the same time. Anger and laughter are mutually exclusive and you have the power to choose either.”