Last Updated on February 24, 2024
Schitt’s Creek is one of the biggest comedy shows to come out of Canada in years, so it should be no surprise to you that there are hundreds of hilarious and brilliant quotes to choose from when it comes to compiling 100+ of the best.
The show was created by Dan Levy, and his legendary comedic father Eugene Levy, and aired from 2015 to 2020. Throughout its six seasons and 80+ episodes, it featured a host of hilarious actors from Eugene Levy to Catherine O’Hara, to creator Dan Levy, and Annie Murphy.
The show premiered on CBC, and for a long time, was adored by fans. Let’s be honest, if you are reading this right now, then you were probably one of them. So let us do you the favour of picking out over 100 (107 to be exact) quotes from the programme’s stories catalogue of lines and put them all into one easy-to-access place.
That way, when you need a laugh, want to write a funny post-it note, are looking to remember a couple of one-liners or hell, we don’t know, maybe get a tattoo, then you have all of the content that you need right here. So sit back and enjoy!
- “This place is almost charming. Very rustic cottage… I was half expecting early Unabomber.” — Moira Rose
- “OK, yeah, no, I did not write this… OK, like, I didn’t even choose this font! It’s horrible.” — Alexis
- “What kind of barnyard were you raised in?” — David
- “I don’t want to brag, but Us Weekly once described me as ‘up for anything.’” — Alexis
- “The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you… a lot.” — David
- “I totally get that.” — Alexis on something she totally does not get.
- Patrick: “We just need a body.”
David: “Then go to the morgue.” - “Well, this town is very screamnastic.” — Johnny
- “Very uninterested in that opinion.” — David
- “I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole, like, ‘Is she gonna be a princess’ thing… um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just, like, partying too hard.” — Alexis
- “Never let the bastards get you down!” — Moira
- “You’d think there’d be more of a market for oversized paintings of other people’s families.” — Stevie
- “It’s probably nothing, but I think I’ve killed a man!” — Moira
- “She sort of fades into the background after a while. You know, like a smoke alarm.” — David
- “Trust me, no one is thinking about you the way that you’re thinking about you.” — Alexis
- “I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here.” — David
- “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use the word courage before outside of criticizing people’s style choices.” — Stevie
- “My car is worth less than your pants.” — Stevie
- Alexis: “You can trust me.”
David: “Can I? Because the last time I left you in charge of something…”
Alexis: “OK, if this is about those stupid Tamagotchis.” - “You must prepare for life, and whatever it will throw at you. The opportunities will diminish, and the ass will get bigger. Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar it will! Especially yours. You’re going to have a huge ass.” — Moira
- “I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It’s a new feeling for me, and I don’t find it at all pleasurable.” — Moira
- “Just remember: no sudden movements, do not reach for the glove box, and no matter what happens, do not tell them your real name.” — Alexis
- Moira: “Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?”
Roland: “That’s the sonogram of our baby!” - “Is there, like, a Texas Chainsaw movie being filmed out there that I’m not aware of?” — David on Roland’s style
- “You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.” — Jocelyn to David
- “Why am I getting booed?” — Johnny
- “I wasn’t in rehab; I was at rehab, visiting Stavros.” — Alexis
- “I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.” — David
- “I won’t wear anything with an adhesive backing.” — Moira
- “Stop doing that with your face.” — Alexis
- “If those bunnies feel exploited even a little bit, I am pulling the plug.” — Ted
- “I haven’t bedazzled anything since I was 22.” — David
- “I’m incapable of faking sincerity.” — Stevie
- “There’s nothing here but hot singles in my area.” — Moira
- “But people love extreme vanity… and they love puppies!” — Alexis
- “Hashtag. Is that two words?” — Johnny
- “You smell very flammable right now.” — David to drunk Stevie
- “Do I wear my fringed vest? Or, more importantly, do I wear anything under it?” — Patrick
- “We’re drinking to me not becoming an alcoholic.” — Stevie
- Alexis: “What’s your favorite season?”
Moira: “Awards.” - “You just watch a season of Girls and do the opposite of what they do.” — David on surviving in NYC
- “My name is Alexis, and yes, I did not finish high school. Um, it’s this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like a ton of mushrooms.” — Alexis
- “I didn’t go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time!” — Alexis
- “Are we having a bad day, honey?” — Johnny to Moira
- “The internet is a breeding ground for freaks.” — David
- “Oh, in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct-taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head and then bringing them down really hard.” — Alexis
- David: “I got these at a showroom in Paris.”
Stevie: “I got these on a clearance rack at Target.” - “OK, yeah, I still actually had a few more verses. And in the last verse, I really get to showcase my range.” — Alexis
- “I don’t know why you didn’t ask me first, David. I have my license in seven different countries and I have my “F” Class.” — Alexis
- “You’re not the only one with an online presence.” — Johnny
- “Gossip is the devil’s telephone. Best to just hang up.” — Moira
- “I have my own holiday tradition. It’s like the 12 Days of Christmas, but it’s one day with 12 bottles of wine.” — Stevie
- “I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit, and falling asleep early.” — David
- “I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year.” — David
- “You know what, David? You get murdered first for once.” — Alexis
- Johnny: “My son is pansexual.”
Roland: “I know what that is. That’s umm, that cookware fetish.” - “No matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.” — David
- “Fall off a bridge, please.” — David to Alexis
- “My car’s worth less than your pants. Well, I’ve seen your car, and that makes sense to me.” — Alexis/David
- “You do realize I’m a professional vocalist?” — Moira
- “I’m positively bedeviled with meetings et cetera.” — Moira
- “I once hosted the non-televised portion of the People’s Choice Awards.” — Moira
- “This wine is awful. Get me another glass.” — Moira
- “You know, being approachable isn’t that important, anyway. The Queen hasn’t smiled since the ’70s, and her birthdays are still very well attended.” — David
- “If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it’s that a mother puts her own mask on first.” — Moira Rose
- “I have lost all my skills. And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless like you and your sister.” — Moira
- “Just think of them as tiny little roommates whose tiny little poops you get to clean up.” — Alexis
- “As if I didn’t see this coming. He’s broken up with me five times already. Like there was that time that he never met me in Rio. And remember that time when he gave me his ex-wife’s engagement ring? And then there was that time last summer when he left his molly in my glove compartment and then I got arrested.” — Alexis
- “Yeah, no. I know composting. Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.” — Alexis
- “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so I’m pretty sure it’ll be fine.” — Alexis
- “Honestly, Twy? Ix-nay on the ong-say because I tried it once, and the guy ripped the guitar out of my hands and he just started smashing it on the ground. Granted, I am tone deaf, and he was a super angry marine. But…” — Alexis
- “So this is weird. Today marks the longest relationship I’ve ever voluntarily had with someone. Yeah, the actual longest relationship was a three-month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last two months of that I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.” — Alexis
- “I’m trying very hard not to connect with people right now.” — David
- “Hide your diamonds, hide your exes, I’m a little bit Alexis!” — Alexis
- “Oh, I’d kill for a good coma right now.” — Moira
- “Like Beyoncé, I excel as a solo artist.” — David
- “If you’re looking for an ass to kiss, it’s mine.” — Roland
- “I don’t skate through life. I walk through life… in really nice shoes.” — Alexis
- “Stop doing that with your face.” — Alexis
- “It’s a list of BuzzFeed’s most motivational quotes for girl bosses under thirty.” — Alexis
- “My son lives in a barn in the woods, by choice. He could be the next mayor of this town if he wanted it.” — Roland
- “I’d really like you to sing at my cousin’s funeral. She’s not dead, but she’s been coughing a lot lately.” — Roland
- “Where is bébé’s chamber?” — Moira
- “I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think I’m funny and smart and charming.” — Alexis
- “How mercurial is life. We all imagine being carried from the ashes by the goddess Artemis, and here I get a balatron from Barnum & Bailey.” — Moira
- “What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy.” — Alexis
- “Fear not, she hath risen!” — Moira
- “Oh, look at David. Smart enough to get that joke, but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of summer.” — Johnny
- “I would be pleased to RSVP as pending.” — Moira
- “You might want to rethink the nightgown first. There’s a whole Ebenezer Scrooge thing happening. My best to Bob Cratchet.” — David
- “Allow me to offer you some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, ‘Oh, I’m too spooky,’ or ‘Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies,’ but believe me: One day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, ‘Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!’” — Moira
- “Someone brought room temperature vodka.” — David
- “I don’t want this job.” — David
- “I like the wine, and not the label.” — David
- “OK, well, movies aren’t always right, all right? You’ll learn that later in life.” — David
- “I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after the other, consecutively, in a row.” — David
- “I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject, and by subject, I mean genuine human emotion, so I am just going to tell you what I know.” — David
- “I am suffering romantically right now.” — David
- “Funky is a neon t-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop next to a bejeweled iPhone case. This is luxury.” — David
- “I’m sorry, but I know what looks correct. And this situation looks incorrect!” — David
- “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose Benefit for Juvenile Rhinoplasty when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet and puppeteer!” — Moira
- “He told me he doesn’t want my help, so I’m just going to play the supportive partner and watch him fail.” — David
- “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?” — Alexis
- “I’m a delightful half-half situation!” — David
- David: “I never saw myself living with someone.”
Alexis: “That makes total sense, considering nobody you dated ever expressed any interest in that.” - “He loves everyone. Men, women, women who become men, men who become women. I’m his father, and I always wanted his life to be easy. But, you know, just pick one gender, and maybe, maybe everything would’ve been less confusing.” — Johnny
- Roland: “Well, you know, Johnny, when it comes to matters of the heart, we can’t tell our kids who to love. Who said that?”
Johnny: “You did.”